By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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