The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
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