He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
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