Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
Vodka?
Forever.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Randomize
