I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
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