Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
