I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
