Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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