And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
