Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Randomize
