I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
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