I swear she didn't look like that last week.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
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