I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize