WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
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