The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
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