So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Randomize
