me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
