Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Randomize
