im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
do nipples grow back?
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
