....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
My ass is underappreciated
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
