One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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