rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
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