I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Randomize
