Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
