Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Randomize
