I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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