i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
the night ended with taco bell and tears
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
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