M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I can text with my tongue
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Randomize
