You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize
