3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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