hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
