I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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