Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
