I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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