The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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