I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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