a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
