life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Randomize
