dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
