you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
