that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
