All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Randomize
