I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Dick very happy bro
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize
