Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
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