He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Randomize
