chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
