Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
