My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
