some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
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