i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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