I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
